I've long wanted to write on this topic. There are so many of us that don't even realize that we are buying our own bullshit. What does that mean? Let's dig in below...
---
Hi friends--I hope you aren't taken aback by this title. On my journey to authenticity I started thinking about the things we tell ourselves, and the narrative we spin about why we condone our own behaviors or why we can't achieve that next level of success. I've been in enough counseling sessions and watched enough people self-implode to know that often it is because we've spun a narrative about ourselves that we TOTALLY buy in to--even though it is complete, utter, well- SHIT.
Have you ever used something as a crutch or reason as to why you act the way you do? For example--do you use "a bad childhood" for your reason to never commit to a long-term relationship, as a reason why you over-drink, or why you treat others the way you do? Do you use your fears on XY or Z to stop yourself from achieving your goals? Do you ever think--"Well if I was younger, richer, smarter, better, bigger, faster, [insert WHATEVER], I would possibly do THAT thing (whatever that is to you), but I'm not...", and then talk yourself out of it?
When do we call ourselves out on our own crap? I get this whole "let's be kind" to ourselves ideation. I spent a lot of time being kind to myself, but then I realized that perhaps I was taking advantage of my own kindness. Let me be honest, BRUTALLY honest to you and myself. Early in my adulthood, I had a problem with manipulation. As in, I was the manipulative one. I could manipulate a situation with any given story about how I grew up this and that way--or justify my actions by throwing just about anything I could throw at the wall that would stick. I hurt people. I was selfish. I was ridiculously manipulative all in the spirit that I was being good to myself and that I deserved it because XYZ, and that well--I really couldn't move past my past. In fact, I was just being lazy. Harsh? Maybe... but in my experience, nothing is gained by taking the easy way out.
I will go back to that day. I woke up and wasn't proud of myself. I wasn't proud of the constant excuses and outright lies I told myself and others. I was NEVER going to get anywhere in life by making excuses and blaming others. I couldn't live in the present or build a future if I kept living in my PAST. Look--I am not saying trauma isn't real. It is real. In fact, I don't expect any of us to wake up and make this change immediately. For me it took years of counseling and a lot of damn introspection and HARD WORK to find ways to see when I was bullshitting myself. And it is hard. And work is still being done... It is hard peeling back the layers of self-talk, self hatred, or whatever other facade that is piled on to who we think we are. It is hard to look at our ideals and face hard changes. It is especially hard right now to look at unconscious biases that we may have and make changes to ourselves and face what scares us.
Right now the world seems really scary. It can seem overwhelming divided and politically charged. You are probably uncomfortable with this idea of the unknown. I get that. During this bit of chaos, it may be the best time for us to challenge our ideas of ourselves, and our ideas of others and why we feel the way we do. What convictions are we holding on to and do they align with who we want to be? In what ways are we justifying our actions. Is it bullshit? Is our past holding us back? Truly? Who do we want to be at the end of the day? Only you can be the one to do that work. But let me tell you--totally worth it.
In love and growth,
Carrie